


Family

by ComicBooksBro



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x17 Coda, Chuck Shurley Is A Massive Dickweed, Dean Winchester Has Anger Issues, Dean Winchester Has Self-Worth Issues, Episode: s15e17 Unity, Gen, Give Dean a Break 2k20, Honestly I blame Chuck for a lot of it, but he’s trying okay, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:41:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27343714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ComicBooksBro/pseuds/ComicBooksBro
Summary: Dean reflects on his mental state and some things he said.Spoiler alert: none of it is good.
Kudos: 9





	Family

**Author's Note:**

> Because 15x17 killed me, and I saw a bunch of Dean hate after the episode aired. The poor guy is past the end of his rope, just give him a break.

_Jack isn’t family._

Dean had known the words were wrong the second they had come out of his mouth—before then, even.

But he had said it, because saying things made them more solid, more _real_ , and if he could convince himself that he didn’t think of Jack as family—as a _son_ —maybe it would hurt less when he was inevitably ripped away from them. Maybe Dean would feel less inclined to drink himself into a stupor because he never learned how to deal with feelings—and maybe he wouldn’t feel like it was all his fault.

Because it always was, and it always would be, no matter what he tried to do. No matter what they did, him, Sam Cas, and Jack: they only seemed to be able to skew Chuck’s plan so much. _Just enough_ to survive, but never to live.

Dean was sick of it.

He didn’t know how long he would be able to make it, knowing his life had all just been some sort of twisted, _sick_ game to entertain Chuck. The weight on his shoulders had always been there, but it was starting to get too heavy, and he couldn’t put it down. It wanted to crush him, and Dean thought sometimes it might be easier if he just let it.

Dean knew he had snapped, he knew he had screwed up, he knew that Sam had only been trying to help and if he had just stopped and _listened_ for a second—

But he couldn’t, and he didn’t. And no matter what Dean did, he couldn’t seem to make the right decision. No matter what happened, they always ended up losing someone.

Sometimes Dean wondered how much of it was Chuck as how much of it was him. He didn’t know and he didn’t understand why Chuck had picked him. He didn’t want this—he didn’t want the burning weight of anger and the uncontrollable, dark thoughts and actions that came with it. Maybe— _maybe_ once they defeated Chuck some of it would leave, and Dean would be able to think. Maybe he’d be able to apologize for what he (or had it been Chuck? On some deep level it all seemed like Chuck and Dean couldn’t think couldn’t deal with that—he couldn’t think—he couldn’t _think_ on his own he couldn’t do _anything_ because he wasn’t strong enough to break control. He wasn’t strong like Sam and Cas and Jack. We was weak, just a pawn in a game, and no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t seem to get off the board.) had done.

Maybe they would forgive him, maybe they wouldn’t. Dean wouldn’t blame them if they decided to throw him out once they came to their senses. If they did, if was probably for the best—if Dean was gone, he couldn’t hurt his family.

_Jack isn’t family._

Tears burned in Dean’s eyes.

_Just keep telling yourself that._

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, comments and kudos appreciated!
> 
> <3


End file.
